I’m having trouble thinking of things to write about here, and so I found some questions from a website that I’m going to use as prompts when I need it. Here’s the first one:
Have you had the experience of thinking you were being led by God to do something, and it turned out not to be so? What were the consequences? Looking back on it, what could/should have alerted you to this?
So, I was planning to be in India right now. Last Spring, the opportunity arose for me to complete my advanced internship for my MSW in Kochi, Kerala, India. I had made all the plans, purchased my tickets, begun packing my house/packing for the trip, found a someone to sublet my house, found people to keep my animals for me, got my shots and medications, etc. I was so excited. Everything had come together so easily and perfectly, it was surely God’s plan for me to be there.
Then things started falling apart. The person who was going to keep my cat backed out. The guy who was going to sublet my house and adopt one of my dogs (Max, who needed to be re-homed anyway because she needs to be an only child) went off the radar. My financial aid got messed up. It was a week before my departure.
OK, I told myself, these are major setbacks, but I can work it out. It has to work out, because I am supposed to go to India.
I redoubled my efforts to find someone to sublet. I found someone else to keep Sheetrock while I was gone. I kept looking for someone to sublet. I tried to figure out if there was a way I could get out of my lease. I asked any and every one I came into contact with if they knew anyone looking for a cute duplex in Towson for 6 months or for a super sweet and energetic dog. I looked into pushing back my departure (I could do it…for several hundred dollars I didn’t have).
And then, just as I was straddling the border between anxiety and panic mode, a dear friend said to me in a phone conversation something that I desperately needed to hear: maybe this isn’t the right time. I know that you’ll end up going to India, but does it have to be now?
I was taken aback, and I told her I needed her to encourage me more, because I knew that it was the right time. I needed her to talk me down from the panic edge. So she switched gears and did just that.
The seed had been planted though, and it freed me to be able to sit down and journal and really consider and pray about what was happening. I slowly began to realize that she was right. Several hours later, I made the decision not to go, and I spent the next several days undoing all the efforts that had been made to prepare for the trip.
I know that it was the right decision. As soon as I made it and announced it to someone else, it felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe again. I had gotten so caught up in the excitement and how easily and quickly pieces came together initially that I was unable to see all of the signs that indicated it wasn’t the right time for me.
So I stayed. I interviewed for a different internship. I registered for classes. I started looking for a job. I found a new home for Max that is perfect for her. I found love in an amazing man I wouldn’t have met had I gone to India. I spent more time visiting family and friends. I went on multiple hiking trips. I found a job and a roommate and pumpkin cider.
By the way, because a couple of people asked, that anxiety-inducing thing from earlier today? Not as bad as I’d feared (as is usually the case), and it’s over with, and I survived.
Now, if the O’s will just hurry up and win this game, that anxiety will be put to rest and I can go to bed.
And my dog is way too hyper for ten minutes til midnight.